Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 18, 2024

Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult

 


 A few weeks ago, I received an email from PEN America informing me that Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult had been banned in some places. The notification piqued my curiosity, so I requested the book from my local library. In the story there is a school shooting in which several people die. However, the book is not about gun legislation. The novel focuses on an issue that is often neglected: bullying.

  After reading the beginning of the novel, I wondered if I would be motivated enough to finish it. Why? The reason for my skepticism was that the behaviors of the teenagers showed an astounding degree of shallowness and frivolity. Their relationships were superficial and devoid of empathy and curiosity about the world around them. Their purpose was to be popular and to denigrate those who were different from them.

 The teenagers at Sterling High School behave in ways that follow a tyrannical set of social hierarchies in which a few students are considered "popular" and of higher status, and the ones who do not fit in are abused and treated with disrespect and contempt. Bullying is normalized as part of this “culture.”

   My thirst for justice along with Jodi Picoult’s captivating writing style held my interest, so I finished the read with a flow of reflections and the motivation to research the topic of bullying further, to support those who are trapped in this horrifying pattern. 

   My thirst for justice was not quenched when I reached the end of the novel. 

  The read left me with a sense of hopelessness.

  Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes deserves attention and can be used to share honest discussions on the issue of bullying in schools and everywhere.

  Peter Houghton was only five years old when he became the target of school bullies, on his first day of kindergarten. It was heartbreaking to learn that his Superman lunch box was thrown out the school bus window. No adult cared to intervene to help him. Peter was bullied on a daily basis for many years:

 “From that first day in kindergarten, Peter experienced a daily barrage of taunting, tormenting, threatening and bullying. This child had been stuffed into lockers, had his head shoved into toilets. He had been tripped and punched and kicked. He had a private email spammed out to an entire school. He’s had his pants pulled down in the middle of the school cafeteria. Peter’s reality was a world where, no matter what he did—no matter how small and insignificant he made himself—he was still always the victim. And as a result, he started to turn into an alternate world: one created by himself in the safety of HTML code. Peter set up his own website, created video games and filled them with the kind of people he wished were surrounding him.”

  Somehow his creative skills and sensitive nature were not valued by the standards of the school he attended. 

   It was shocking to read how the parents of the teenagers portrayed in the novel were detached from their own children. The communication between parents and teenagers lacked authenticity. It was as superficial as the relationships with the teenagers’ school friends.

  The teenagers did not communicate with their parents in genuine ways; a false sense of independence appears to cloud the potential for honest conversations between parents and teenagers. Hiding away issues from their parents is considered an acceptable indicator of their sense of independence. This detachment stems from the false notion of providing that state of the so-called independence. It is used to excuse, ignore and/or condone all kinds of behaviors that taint their process of growth and maturation. Some of these teenagers become sexually active at age 15, drink alcohol, take drugs and/or resort to all kinds of senseless behaviors at school. In some cases, their parents seem to condone or ignore these behaviors; they even seem to consider them acceptable or inevitable.

  At school, these teenagers did not have any kind of guide on how to behave toward one another. In fact, the school environment resembled that of a prison. It reminded me of John Taylor Gatto’s book Dumbing us Down, which I read over ten years ago, in which he compared schools to prisons.

  The fact that school staff are complicit in the bullying or even choose to punish Peter when he defends himself and never advocate for him leaves a very distressing feeling in the reader.

    For example, the gym teacher has a very distorted view of bullying. Dusty Spears, the gym teacher at Sterling School, understands bullies and is on their side. He thinks that bullying is a normal part of growing up and that bullies are supposed to be rewarded. This is clearly stated on page 656 of the large print edition, “Dusty Spears understands kids like Drew Girard because he had once been one. The way he saw it, bullies either were good enough to get football scholarships to big ten schools, where they could make the business connections...”

  One of the main characters is Josie Cormier. Her behavior changes through the years. She used to be Peter’s best friend, but during her teenage years, her behavior shifts in unpredictable ways as a result of a toxic relationship with her boyfriend and her motivation to be one of the popular girls. She becomes the girlfriend of one of the most violent bullies: Matt Royston. The most disturbing aspect of their relationship is that he abuses her emotionally and even threatens her physically. Everybody thinks they have an ideal romantic relationship when this is not the case. Matt and Josie are sexually active and Josie’s mother appears to be okay with that.

  Picoult exposes the abuse of Josie by Matt Royston by showing it through various unsettling situations, but Picoult does little to discuss the matter openly through the characters in a direct way to avoid the normalization of such a toxic relationship. I feel this is a weakness of the book. 

  The relationship between Josie Cormier and Matt Royston calls for a thorough discussion about respect in romantic relationships.  I was expecting that would happen at some point, but it never happened. The way I see it, this void in the book requires the work of mentors, parents, teachers and counselors.

    I was hoping and expecting that Alex, Josie’s mother, would have an insightful conversation with Josie on this, and that there would be a reflection on the relationship that was masked as “love.”

  The book was published in 2007. Has bullying changed since then? Are schools doing more to address it?  As I researched the topic to write this blog post, I was shocked to find an endless list of children and teenagers who committed suicide after they had been bullied. You can check this link yourself to verify my statement:

https://duckduckgo.com/?t=h_&q=cases+of+children+who+committed+suicide+after+being+bullied&ia=web

 If you come across people who underestimate and dismiss the serious effects of bullying, I encourage you to educate the deniers on the impact that bullying has. First of all, bullying is not a normal part of growing up. Bullying can lead to depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other consequences. It can lead to suicidal ideation, and even suicide. It can rarely cause what Peter did. Peter followed the pressure of the social context in which he grew up and ended up doing what he did…

 There is a twist at the end of the novel that could have been fleshed out to shed light on the abusive relationship that Matt had with Josie, but not much is said about it.

  As explained in an article published by Frontiers in Public Health in 2019 bullying may include verbal hostility, teasing, physical violence and social exclusion, and the consequences of bullying can be severe:

 “Many studies have found that bullying is the root of severe negative psychological and physical consequences, including depression, anxiety, reduced self-esteem, decreased school attendance, somatization, as well as suicide, suicide ideation and attempts.” Some researchers claim that school bullying can cause symptoms such as those experienced by survivors of child maltreatment and abuse. It can even hamper bio-psycho-social growth.

 


 When bullying happens there is an imbalance of power between the perpetrator and victim, which can lead into a sense of helplessness and weakness. The pattern of bullying can undermine a victim’s sense of self and can cause short-term and long-term consequences.

 Why do bullies bully? They bully because they can. Lea Page says that it takes a village to make a bully… and it takes a village to stop one. Nineteen Minutes elucidates the roles that bystanders play in the social dynamics of bullying. I am now referring to those who witness the bullying without standing up to the bully. Some of the onlookers feel fear and guilt due to their own lack of response, so it is important to discuss this topic and to address it. Banning a book that deals with the topic is not the solution. Some bystanders celebrate the bully. They even support the bully and act in ways that perpetuate the pattern of bullying. I noticed that the “popular” girls had a positive attitude toward the revolting behaviors of Matt Royston and Drew Girard. They celebrated them.

When dangerous behaviors are normalized and celebrated, the pattern of bullying is established, creating an atmosphere where respect and kindness no longer matter.  

 In 2016 somebody said that he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and his supporters would still support him. Take a moment to reflect on this comment. What does it imply? This comment was made by a presidential candidate: Donald Trump. It implies that violence is acceptable in the eyes of his supporters. It implies that as long as he is responsible for the violence, his supporters will condone it and normalize it. This is dangerous. How can we teach ethical behaviors to children and teenagers when a pattern is set to make it acceptable for a man to do this?  How is it acceptable to make him president?  There is no way we can live in a civilized society when we empower a bully. In fact, one of his own 2016 supporters even tried to shoot him recently, which proves my point. (What goes around, comes around).

  The girls who cheered Matt Royston are not different from the adult women who celebrate and support a bully trying to become president, so I can see a pattern that needs to be addressed, because the ways adults behave are not ignored by teenagers, and they will make a difference in the way we live our lives.

   I hope this blog post will be a helpful resource to raise awareness on the topic of bullying. Bullying awareness month is coming up, so this is an opportunity to work to both prevent and address bullying in schools and everywhere.

 

 Supplementary links:

 https://www.unesco.org/en/articles/what-you-need-know-about-school-violence-and-bullying

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202010/us-high-school-bullying-rates-arent-going-down

https://hr.nih.gov/working-nih/civil/national-bullying-awareness-month

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/daughter-bullied-school-adult-bystanders_n_664fcce1e4b058247fa22914#

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6465416/

 

https://time.com/4191598/donald-trump-says-he-could-shoot-somebody-and-not-lose-voters/

https://www.cnn.com/2016/01/23/politics/donald-trump-shoot-somebody-support/index.html


 https://www.cbsnews.com/chicago/news/15-year-old-boy-cyberbullying-suicide-latin-school-chicago-lawsuit/

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/texas-child-died-suicide-online-game-cyberbullying-authorities-said-rcna129247

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/adriana-kuch-new-jersey-online-attack-video-four-charged/

https://wsbt.com/news/operation-education/rio-allred-bully-anxiety-depression-suicide-behavior-prevention-cyber-bullying-report-schools-respond-rios-rainbow-elkhart-indiana

Saturday, September 17, 2022

And the Animals will Teach You

 


The creatures who dwell in this book, from the rabbit in the desert to a German shepherd named Kirby, teach us how to live in the moment, how to be peaceful, how to trust, how to share strength and power, how to face fears, how to heal and how to love.” Margot Lasher

 At my local library I encountered a book that left me speechless due to its introspection, reflections and fascinating true stories about communication with non-human animals.

Margot Lasher’s And the Animals will Teach You was published in the year 1996, and I conclude that her book was able to anticipate scientific discoveries about the cognitive and emotional intelligence of non-human animals.

 It is surprising that this marvel was overlooked. Perhaps, it had something to do with the fact that it was written by an intelligent woman who meshed psychological knowledge with personal insights and observations; the world was not prepared to acknowledge the deep interconnection with other beings, the pith of her message.

If you have a special interest in relationships between human beings and non-human animals, this book is for you. If you perceive more about non-human animals than what you were taught in traditional education, this book will resonate with you, and reassure you.



  I was mesmerized by how Margot Lasher shares her observations about relationships, and how these precious connections support our daily lives in various ways. The author embraces and honors her interactions with animals and how attuned she is with them.

 There are three reasons why I cherish this unique read. First, her stories are riveting. Once you begin reading one of her intriguing anecdotes, you cannot put it down. Secondly, her insights are infused with wisdom, intuition and knowledge. She is a keen observer of everyone around her. Finally, her brief powerful poetical descriptions caress the heart and inspire the mind.

 In New England after a snowstorm, the sun comes out and the trees and ground and houses and ponds are all shining in whiteness. You walk outside and you feel a deep happiness at being alive. You feel awe in the presence of such beauty, and privileged to be part of this incredible setting. It stretches out like the night sky, sunlight touching snow in every direction. In this world you feel happy and blessed just to be alive. You feel the connectedness, the oneness of everything. You feel love for everything. I think animals feel this boundless love. Everything is full of wonder; everything makes them happy. Everything is an adventure in being alive.”

Her words encourage us to seek peace within ourselves, to dive into our source of  strength and power.

 From feeling happy with an animal, you gain a deeper awareness of your own happiness. When you and an animal are together in the feeling of happiness, echoing the happiness between you, the feeling takes on a new richness and depth. Pure happiness echoes within and between you.”

The energy of Lasher’s book leaves an indelible imprint in my mind.

When you are experiencing the fragrance of a flower, the motion of your own body, or the happiness of an animal, you are experiencing awareness. When you are tuned in, completely focused, you are one with the fragrance, the motion, the happiness. You are the awareness. The core of yourself is your awareness. The nature of animals is pure awareness.

 


  And the Animals will Teach You offers an exquisite journey for the mind, vivid sceneries, and stories that reveal the wonders of transformation, protection and friendship; along this path, Lasher guides us into our inner wisdom. Her experiences explore the depth of communication with animals, the nature of living in harmony.

Animals are tuned exquisitely to harmony. Awareness of harmony is awareness of the energy of the whole. Animals live essentially in harmony.”

 Margot Lasher is a psychologist who specializes in relational theory. She has taught many workshops on empathy, and is also the author of The Art and Practice of Compassion and Empathy.

  If you enjoyed this post, you will appreciate my writing on Second Nature: The Inner Lives of Animals by Jonathan Balcombe.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Problems are opportunities


 The double nature of some human beings baffles me.  This poem of mine published by Vox Poetica is about that.
  If you are in the mood to read something uplifting, feel free to check my two poems published in the winter issue of the Greensilk Journal. I'm sure you will be tempted to read the other poets' work too.
 Today I wrote something about "problems".
Even though we may be prone to feel irritated or frustrated when we encounter certain problems that challenge our beliefs, we can also choose to adopt a different attitude: we can  welcome these problems and treat them as unique opportunities to learn something new. We can embrace them with a positive mindset.
  Problems are challenges that invite us to think of creative solutions.
 They can encourage us to ask questions.
 From my own personal experience in the workplace I conclude that whenever problems are a consequence of conflicts related to communication in human relationships there are three elements that are relevant to handle these situations:
-the art of listening
-the art of non-judgmental persuasion
-the art of negotiation
   The goal of this post is to emphasize that a problem may have the potential to improve something. This does not always happen, though. Sometimes we know there are boundaries that we cannot trespass, no matter how hard we try to make things better. There are situations that are out of our control, and our scope of action is limited. However, we can accept these situations knowing that we have tried our best.  And these unique situations may have taught us something about ourselves, others, or the world we live in.

 I will publish my next blog post on March 5.