Batja Mesquita was born and raised in the Netherlands, and when she moved to the
United States in the year 1993, her colleagues at the University of Michigan
welcomed her. Yet she sometimes felt out of sync because she was not familiar
with various aspects of the American culture, and her lack of understanding led to awkward situations. Mesquita shares her experiences with honesty,
putting the pieces of the emotional puzzles of two cultures together.
Coming from
another culture, she was sometimes misunderstood, even when she had the best
intentions in mind. There is a process of emotional acculturation that may take
place over several years. I was enthralled by how she clearly described her
personal experiences, making sense of what happened to her in ways that will relate
to others.
As a person who has lived and worked in different
cultures with people from various countries, I think her book is relevant. Over
time there is a shift that happens as a result of a process of learning and
adaptation, and people become more aware of the nuances that can be the
source of misunderstandings, insecurities and disappointments.
After
an insightful introduction rooted in her personal experiences, the author moves
on to explain how various cultures mold and shape emotions, and how
differences in upbringing condition people to experience and express emotions in certain
ways.
I was touched
and inspired by the way Japanese mothers raise their preschoolers to foster
empathy in them. Learning about the
unique aspects of various cultures can help us to be more tolerant and
understanding of other peoples’ emotions. It can also make us humble and less
judgmental. It is a reminder to stay open-minded when in doubt, and to simply accept
that we do not have the power to know what is going on in somebody’s unique emotional
situation, no matter how much we think we know.
Mesquita points out the ways in which cultures
differ in terms of emotions. For instance, she states that happiness in
American culture is experienced as “excitement”, whereas in Daoist cultures the
concept of happiness is associated with a sense of inner peace and being calm. In
the case of happiness, I think she seems to paint a black-and-white picture
that does not always reflect reality. In our global world cultures influence
each other, so it makes sense to accept that the concept of happiness
transcends the boundaries of a specific culture.
The information she provides encourages us to
be more empathic toward others’ emotions rather than judgmental. As cities
become more multicultural and diverse, this book awakens our awareness on the
complexity of cultural landscapes that
may differ from our own; it also invites us to be open to explore emotional terrain
that is not consistent with what we are familiar with.
We have all been guilty of misjudging and misunderstanding
others whose upbringing is very different from our own. Between Us lets
us see a new perspective and another side of the story.
It is also necessary, however, to read this
book with an open mind, without placing our thoughts and interpretations into
rigid boxes, because it is still possible that learning something about
somebody’s culture is an open door to stereotype and label others.
Even though
I do recommend this book, I need to admit that there are a few caveats to
consider.
In many ways
Between Us feels incomplete. There is too much emphasis on the emotional
differences that are forged through distinct upbringings, and the author forgets
that despite our differences we share much more common ground than what she cares
to acknowledge. For example, imagine a family losing their home to a severe
weather event. This can happen anywhere in the world. Irrespective of their
cultural background, there will be emotions consistent with grief, such as sadness, distress and uncertainty. I feel the book could have also worked
with that which makes us whole: our common ground is a potential medium to
awaken empathy toward others. When I read this book, however, I get drowned in
the idea that we are so different we should tread carefully as we interact with
people of other cultures, but what about our needs? We all have needs; we all
wish to be respected and loved. We are not isolated from the environment where we live,
so how are
emotions connected to the natural environment and to other living beings?
She ignored connections that make us who we are, and how cultures may experience
these relationships differently. I consider this a weakness of Between Us,
for human beings are not the only inhabitants of the planet. If emotions are
viewed not just as individual features but as patterns that connect us to
others, then we cannot disregard this integral aspect of the situation.
Another
important weakness of Between Us is that she barely discusses the role
of gender. Gender is also an element of influence in the ways emotional
expectations are set in various cultures. Yet the fact that she deals with it
in such a superficial way is an indicator that she is not paying enough attention to something that influences the process of creating emotions, biases and stereotyping.
She could have included gender as part of every culture she mentioned. This
topic could have been fleshed out with more information and research. Strangely
enough, she said that all her university professors in Amsterdam were male
except for one, and it made me wonder why.
Last but not least, one person’s emotions
should not be used to justify a physical threat toward another person. Yet the
author insisted on doing this. I disagreed
with her assessment of the situation as she trivialized a physical threat on
the grounds of one person’s emotions. Boundaries
are necessary as the foundation of respect between people.( I suspect there is an implicit
gender bias in her judgment, but she is not even conscious of it!).
All in all, I do recommend this book, but I
think it is incomplete for the reasons mentioned above. I have raised some points of contention that
I hope will inspire the author to write another book, or to encourage other
authors to navigate these issues with more insights and research.
